Step 1:  Be sure that during the day your child gets plenty of exercise to work out that extra energy.

Step 2: No late naps.  Taking earlier naps will help your child be more tired when ni-night comes.

Step 3: After dinner start doing calming activities like coloring or painting.  No running around crazy jumping on the jungle gym.

Step 4: Stick to your reading routine and set a firm bed time.

Step 5:  Read to them, lights out, then sing songs.  Quietly leave the room.

Step 6: Your child will sleep through the night like an angel sleeping on clouds of fairy farts.

How Bed Time Actually Happens

Step 1: Holy crap its 8:04 we need to feed the kids.

Step 2: Fetch the children from the back yard. Don’t forget a wet towel to wash their bare feet. Then ask your kids where their clothes are.  (Note: Feet rag doubles as a face rag.)

Step 3: Wrestle time with daddy! As if chasing chickens in the back yard wasn’t enough to get their energy level spiking at a 10, a spastic wrestling match with dad should do the trick.

Step 4: Tell them wrestling time is over and threaten them with a spanking if they cry about it.

Step 5: Brush teeth, or just tell your 5 year old she needs to brush her teeth and her 3 year old sisters teeth.

Step 6: Son of a gun we forgot dinner.  Throw an english muffin in the toaster.

Step 7: Tell them to stop crying about not getting a show and threaten no stories if they do not beat you to their bedroom.

Step 7a: Start walking to your kids bedroom.

Step 8:  Tell your kids to stop crawling over the header and/or footer of the bed, and lay down for stories.  Forget the pj’s they’ll strip down to their underwear anyway.

Step 9: Negotiate the number of books that will be read for night time. (Note: If your child is under 3 years old this is very easy.  Just tell them that 2 is more than 5.)

Step 10: Lights out and sing your sped up shortened version of twinkle twinkle.

Step 11: Start to leave, then answer your kid when they say, “Dad?… um Dad?… um… will you?… um…” (that moment when they think of something to say) “Will you tell mommy to come down?”

Step 12: Start to leave again, then answer, ”Dad?… um Dad?… um… will you?… um…” (that moment when they think of something else to say) “Will you check on me in 1 minute?”

Step 13: Leave and ignore the remaining pleas from your kid.

Step 14: Listen for foot steps down the hall, when your child appears tell them to go back to bed.

Step 15: Bring your kid back to bed.  Another story or song may be in order.

Step 16: Thank God for DVR.