This post is based on true events that took place within a 9 day period between the dates of October 30th, 2012 through November 7th, 2012.
3 Reasons to NOT Become a Dad: (For those who read through to the end you will be honored with a bonus reason!)
1. Tuesday, October 30th Around 8:00pm:
Hayley (child 2, age 3), who had not been complaining about being sick all day, pukes all over the floor. To read the full police report of what happened click here (there’s pictures). Otherwise here are the cliff notes.
Hayley managed to ALMOST make it to the hallway where there is no carpet. It was about an 80/20 split, 80% hallway chunks and 20% carpet chunks. That is not even the bad part though. As my wife and I were helping Hayley, our youngest daughter Andi (age 16 months) decides to walk through the puke, she slips and ends up laying on her back smack in the middle of the vomit. Now we are trying to take care of both puke covered children and our oldest, who was just trying to be helpful, runs through the puke tracking it on her feet pushing it deeper into the carpet and tracking it further into the living room.
Your reward for getting all three of the kids cleaned up is that giant pile of puke you had to ignore for the last 10 minutes. The whole thing was absolutely disgusting and the chances of something similar happening to you as a parent is 100%.
2. Sunday, November 4th Around 8:00am:
It’s a natural law, like gravity. Once one child gets sick they all get sick. So it was Eowyn’s turn. Eowyn (child 1, age 5) started complaining on Saturday night that her stomach was hurting. After some comfort from mom and dad she finally fell asleep.
It was Sunday morning and occasionally either my wife or I will play for our churches music team (my wife plays piano and sings, and I play guitar). When we are on the team we have to get to the church early for practice, which leaves the other parent with all three kids to get ready to go to church. This particular Sunday my wife was playing piano so she had left early.
When Eowyn woke up and came upstairs she seemed perfectly fine. The other girls woke up and we went on about our morning getting ready for church.
I went down to Eowyn’s room to get her clothes and noticed some throw up on her bed. I went upstairs to ask Eowyn…
“Did you throw up last night?”
With a puzzled look she said no.
I’m not kidding you… This kid can sleep through anything. It is amazing. We have had quite a difficult time potty training her at night, because she sleeps so hard. When she has to pee she just doesn’t wake up.
She sleeps so hard she doesn’t even get up when she PUKES! Dang. That is impressive. (but her sleeping abilities get even better in reason #3 coming up!)
I decided to inspect her a little better and as it turns out the entire right side of her hair is CAKED in dried vomit.
Dried vomit all over her bed, her sheets, her comforter, her pillow and her head. Nothing like the smell of dried throw up in the morning.
By this point I am supposed to be leaving for church in 20 minutes. That ain’t gonna happen. I figure since she’s had dried throw up in her hair for who knows how long I’ll clean the room and bed first then bath the kid. I spend the next however long it takes cleaning everything up and trying to take care of the 3 yr old and 16 month old at the same time.
It takes a while, and once again absolutely disgusting.
Oh but the most disgusting reason has yet to even happen. Bring in the big guns… REASON 3!
3. Wednesday, November 7th Around 3:00am (then 6:50am):
There is another unwritten law, this time not like gravity, that says things happen in 3’s. This the is the disgusting 3.
I’ve written so much about puke lately, I’ve needed a stinking thesaurus to come up with new terms for throw up. But this time I was thrown a curve ball. Was it God, fate or the universe? Nope. it was Eowyn’s bowls.
The night before this event Eowyn said that her stomach was hurting again. She had just sleep-thrown-up a few days before, but the bug wasn’t quite gone. Once again we comforted her, made sure she had a pull up on (THANK GOD!) and kissed her little head goodnight.
About 3am I wake up to Hayley already being in my wife and my bed, Eowyn crawling into our bed, and Glade taking a crying Andi upstairs to sleep with her in a different room.
As Glade pulled Andi past me I got a wiff of something nasty. Woah mama! Andi STINKS! I’m sure Glade has noticed and will change her.
I roll over and zonk out. Periodically throughout the night I manage to slip into consciousness smell and realize that stench is still in the room and quickly slip back out of consciousness.
At about 6:50am Eowyn starts to rustle around. She shakes me awake and as I am falling back to sleep I say to her…
“You can go upstairs and put on Curious George.”
“I pooped daddy.”
“I’m sorry, I pooped in the night.”
My brain quickly connects the dots.
Dot #1 – *sniff sniff that smell.
Dot #2 – The smell was not Andi, it was Eowyn.
Dot #3 – I first smelled that at 3am.
Dot #4 – Eowyn has been in bed the whole night.
Dot #5 – OH S#%T!
I reached over Hayley, who was sleeping in between Eowyn and me, and pulled the covers off of Eowyn.
There it was. The most disgusting thing I had experienced as a parent. Eowyn’s stomach bug had turned into the runs… and those runs have spread all over my bed, my comforter, the sheets, the mattress, my first child, my second child and were creeping ever so close to my side of the bed. Eowyn’s entire bottom half of her body, and half way up her back was covered. It was like she had been sitting and playing in mud.
I acted like I was in a war or something. I quickly told Eowyn to stay put and DON’T MOVE. I needed to gather my thoughts and formulate a plan. What do I do? How do I do this? And how many good sheets are we going to have to burn?
I first made my way into Eowyns bedroom to assess the damage, if any, in there. Oh there was damage! In fact I could pin point the precise location of the initial explosion.
After I finally settled down, and let my boiling blood come to a simmer I lifted Eowyn by the arms, brought her upstairs, cleaned her up and put her in the bath. Then went back downstairs to clean up.
There was so much crap everywhere. Soggy, runny, raunchy smelling crap everywhere.
I don’t need to go into details about the clean up process, just know we ended up cleaning some stuff, using boiling water on others, an simply throwing some other stuff away.
Remember how I said Eowyn can sleep through anything? She didn’t even realize what she had done until the morning.
The kid sleeps through pee, puking and explosive diarrhea. What a champ!
The good thing is that all the sickness is over.
My Special Bonus is simply 1 reason why you should have kids:
Yes, the things kids can do are disgusting.
But once you get one of these smiles followed by an “I yu you.” every second of disgusting becomes worth it.
If you have any gross parenting stories let me hear about them in the comments!